Abbi Hattem Ph.d.

It's Your Turn to Take out the Trash: Getting the Garbage out of Your Relationship Abbi Hattem Ph.d.

How does, "I want to be with you" become "I wish I'd never met you"? And, more importantly, how can two people stop a relationship that they expected to last a lifetime from deteriorating? My 32 years working with couples has convinced me that relationships are at risk when 3 conditions occur: every-day squabbles escalate into major battles or angry silences; these conflicts are characterized by one or more themes, none of which is resolved; and failure to resolve these issues fuels future arguments, becoming relationship garbage. To stop this process, couples must identify and then resolve the issue(s) that trigger their upset with each other. To accomplish this, the reader is first introduced to 9 generic themes, or issues. The reader then meets 4 couples who engage in my 4-step process of identifying the issue(s) and my 5-step model for seeking and enacting options to resolve the issue(s) in their relationships and diminish the garbage that's accumulated. The 4 couples represent the full range of issues and a variety of ways to do the exercises I recommend to resolve them. They experience difficulties, and the reader observes their efforts, as well as their successes and failures. Because seeking professional help is sometimes necessary, I have included a chapter about when and how to seek help. The reader follows 2 of the 4 couples to therapy.